Dental Dilemmas

"We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard...."

Er, um, I guess that should read, the dentist. And, while he's a very nice man, he's not "wonderful" in the I-gotta-go-see-him sort of way.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

I know. I know. I'm the adult. And I must put on the "brave face" -- and the cool glasses to protect my eyes from the harsh rays of the dental light -- for my two children to be a good example to them and encourage them in the art of dental hygiene.

But I don't wanna. (Insert annoying whine here.)

...sigh...

The worst part is that we volunteer for this. It's not a law that you must have your teeth scraped and poked and prodded. It's insurance against dentures...or at least a delay.

I've been intrigued by the idea of sedation cleaning. You know where they lull you into a deep sleep and play nice soft music to cover up the hissing and squealing of the cleaning instruments. You sleep, they clean. Everyone is happy at the end. Plus, you get to avoid having to answer questions with their 58+ tools in your mouth.

"You go to the mountains this weekend?"

"Mmmmhahokeypokey..."

"Is that right? Do you enjoy going to there?"

"Ummmhanogommmommna..."

"Wow! You must have a good time."

I think there must be a prescribed tools-in-the-mouth conversation that they learn while going to dental hygienist school.

Then the same conversation is repeated when the dentist comes to "check" your teeth. (Yeah, we all know it's so that he can charge his $593/5 minutes fee.) Only he likes to have the added hiss-slurp tool going at the same time so that he can't quite hear you.

Still, I guess I'll go. I kinda have to now. Short of leaving the country or having a tragic illness occur, I've missed the please-cancel-before-24-hours time slot.

So they'll poke and prod my teeth and mouth; I'll choose the same cinnamon-flavored toothpaste; and life will roll along afterwards with all of us having cleaner teeth and sweeter breath.

And, heck, where else can I wear such cool glasses?

On second thought...I'll bring my own.

They might not be very hygienic...