Friday Funnies

First, a Happy 16th Birthday "shout-out" to my nephew, Erik!!! Happiest Birthday to you!

In other news...

This came to me in an e-mail from my mother-in-law. Thanks, Jan!

Enjoy! And have a funny Friday!

IDIOT SIGHTING 1

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-away window, and I gave the girl a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20-pence piece.

She said, "You gave me too much money."

I said,"Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back."

She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said that they were sorry but they could not do that kind of thing. The girl then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change...

Do not confuse the girls at MacD's.


IDIOT SIGHTING 2

We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time: a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower."

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4, and he said, "NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.."

We haven't used Garador repair since.


IDIOT SIGHTING 3

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."


IDIOT SIGHTING 4

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an Irish airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"

To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"

He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us...and the scary part is that is they have the RIGHT TO VOTE and REPRODUCE!

Friday Funnies

My hubby sent me this funny Christmas story...and I thought it was definitely one worth repeating.

Enjoy! And have a funny -- and merry -- Friday!


"Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever. Great stories. But two things made me take it down.

First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.

Second, a 55-year-old lady grabbed the 75-pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that.

My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard."

Happy Mother's Day!

Three of the reasons I'm a mommy

I received this in an email from my cousin. It's explains -- exactly -- the joys of motherhood. Like this mom, I am so thankful for the honor and privilege of being Mommy to my three precious children. There's no greater joy!

Enjoy! And Happy Mother's Day to my mom, my mother-in-law, and all my beautiful "mommy friends" out there.

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A 3-year-old tells all from his mother's restroom stall
By Shannon Popkin

My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker. He loves to communicate and does it quite well. He talks to people constantly, whether we are in the library, the grocery store or at a drive-thru window. People often comment on how clearly he speaks for a just-turned-3-year-old. And you never have to ask him to turn up the volume. It's always fully cranked. There have been several embarrassing times that I've wished the meaning of his words would have been masked by a not-s o-audible voice, but never have I wished this more than last week at Costco.

Halfway, through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took Cade with me into the restroom. If you'd been one of the ladies in the restroom that evening, this is what you would have heard coming from the second to the last stall:

''Mommy, are you gonna go potty? Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on the potty, Mommy? Oh! You gonna sit down on da toiwet paper now? Mommy, what are you doing? Mommy, are you gonna go stinkies on the potty?''

At this point I started mentally counting how many women had been in the bathroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full ... 4? 5? Maybe we could wait until they all left before I had to make my debut out of this stall and reveal my identity.

Cade continued: ''Mommy, you ARE going stinkies aren't you? Oh, dats a good girl, Mommy! Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty? Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy! Oh...Mommy! I'm trying to see In dere. Oh! I see dem. Dat is a very good girl, Mommy. You are gonna get some candy!''

I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of me. Where is a screaming newborn when you need her? Good grief. This was really getting embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a long time before exiting. Trying to divert him, I said, ''Why don't you look in Mommy's purse and see if you can find some candy. We'll both have some!''

''No , I'm trying to see doze more stinkies...Oh! Mommy!''

He started to gag at this point.

''Uh - oh, Mommy. I fink I'm gonna frow up. Mommy, doze stinkies are making me frow up!! Dat is so gross!!''

As the gags became louder, so did the chuckles outside my stall.. I quickly flushed the toilet in hopes of changing the
subject.. I began to reason with myself: OK. There are four other toilets. If I count four flushes, I can be reasonably assured that those who overheard this embarrassing monologue will be long gone.

''Mommy! Would you get off the potty, now? I want you to be done going stinkies! Get up! Get up!''

He grunted as he tried to pull me off. Now I could hear full-blown laughter. I bent down to count the feet outside my door. ''Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy? You wooking under da door? What were you wooking at? Mommy? You wooking at the wady's feet?''

More laughter. I stood inside the locked door and tried to assess the situation.

''Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now. We have to go out now, Mommy.'' He started pounding on the door. ''Mommy, don't you want to wash your hands? I want to go out!!''

I saw that my wait 'em out' plan was unraveling. I sheepishly opened the door, and found standing outside my stall, twenty to thirty ladies crowded around the stall, all smiling and starting to applaud.

My first thought was complete embarrassment, then I thought, where's the fine print on the 'motherhood contract' where I signed away every bit of my dignity and privacy? But as my little boy gave me a big, cheeky grin while he rubbed bubbly soap between his chubby little hands, I thought, I'd sign it all away again, just to be known as Mommy to this little fellow.

(Shannon Popkin is a freelance writer and mother of three. She lives with her family in Grand Rapids, Michigan, where she no longer uses public restrooms.)

You must pass this on to all the mothers who have had embarrassing moments with their children. Isn't it great to be a parent!!!

Friday Funnies

I got this funny in an e-mail from Karen over at This and That. It's a hilarious "debate" between two churches in a small Southern town. Read on, and enjoy a funny Friday!

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Do Dogs Go To Heaven?

This is literally a "church signs" debate between Our Lady of Martyrs Catholic Church and Beulah Cumberland Presbyterian Church. From top to bottom shows you the response and counter-response over time. The Catholics seem to be displaying a much better sense of humor. One does get the impression that the Presbyterians are actually taking this seriously. The churches face each other across a busy street.

Friday Funnies

Thanks to Karen over at This and That for this oldie but goodie!!

Enjoy and have a funny Friday!

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Birth Order for Parents

What to Wear:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don’t bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn’t do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Wardrobe:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn’s clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they?

Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress–a whimper, a frown–you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

The Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby’s bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diaper Changes:
1st baby: You change your baby’s diapers every hour, whether it needs it or not.
2nd baby: You change the diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change the diaper before other children start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to the baby's knees.

Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!

Friday Funnies

Perfect timing for this little funny e-mail ditty? Enjoy! And have a funny Friday!

COLD IS A RELATIVE THING

65 above zero:
Floridians turn on the heat.
People in Pennsylvania plant gardens.

60 above zero:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Pennsylvania sunbathe.

50 above zero:
Italian and French cars won't start.
People in Pennsylvania drive with the windows down.

40 above zero:
South Carolian folks don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, woolhats.
People in Pennsylvania throw on a flannel shirt.

35 above zero:
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Philadelphia have the last cookout before it gets cold.

20 above zero:
People in Miami all die.
Philadelphians close the windows.

Zero:
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Pennsylvania get out their winter coats.

10 below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Chicago are selling cookies door to door.

20 below zero:
Washington D.C. runs out of hot air.
People in Pennsylvania let the dogs sleep indoors.

30 below zero:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Pittsburghers get upset because they can't start the snowmobile.

40 below zero:
ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Maine start saying..."Cold enough for yah?"

50 below zero:
Hell freezes over.
Buffalo public schools will open 2 hours late.

Happy Leap Day!!

Happy "Leap Day," everyone!! I love the idea that this day only occurs once every four years.

In 1988, I began writing a journal entry on Leap Day, chronicling the current time and wondering what would happen in the next four years. I've continued the tradition every Leap Day since. It makes for some fun reading each new Leap Year.

As it's Friday, I am including this funny e-mail forward that I received today from my mom.

Enjoy and have a funny "Leap Day"/Friday!

WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong e-mail address!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel.

There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent the email anyway.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

Friday Funnies

WHY GOD MADE MOMS

A group of 2nd graders were asked the following questions about mothers. Their answers follow.... Let's just say, kids say the funniest stuff sometimes. Enjoy, and have a fun Friday!

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the Scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom . You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic; they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Living in 2007

I got this in my email-box and thought it was worth sharing here, especially as we near the end of the year. Enjoy!

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

...AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.