Monday Musings: Stop the World...I Want to Get Off

When I was a teen, my mom would take my sisters and me to visit my grandmother (mom's mom) in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware, where she lived. We'd go for 3 or 4 days, and one of the evenings would be spent on the boardwalk, eating ice cream, saltwater taffy, and French fries, buying t-shirts, and riding the rides in the arcade/amusement area. 

I remember one year we all climbed on to a spinning ride that went really fast forward and sideways and then stopped to go the same way backwards. I rode in the same car as my mom, and, to my mortification, she made the controller stop the ride so she could get off...which meant I got off, too. I was totally ungracious to her and remained embarrassed and a bit miffed that she couldn't stay on for a few more minutes for most of the rest of the evening.

It wasn't until years later that I rode on a ride (one I'd ridden many many times before) and suddenly understood the feeling of sheer panic that can run through you without any warning. It's nonsensical to those who don't understand. There's no rhyme or reason for it, but it takes over and consumes your reasoning until you have to change where you are or what you're doing to even get a tiny handle on sanity again. 

I blame it on hormones.

Funny, right? Not really. Not even slightly. It can be internally terrifying until you ground yourself again.

Fast forward to my own motherhood. I have often complained lamented mentioned in other posts on here that I feel like I'm barely hanging on to this ride called "Life" that sweeps the kids away into adulthood. I often occasionally wish that it would slow down (or even pause) to let me catch my breath. It's an odd sensation, not unlike my poor mom wanting to get off the ride that was terrifying her, making her feel dizzy.

I am dizzy.

I don't know if it's because the beginning of a child's life seems painfully slow that the race to the adulthood seems to speed up exponentially.

There's a saying many older parents use: The days are long, but the years are short.

So how is it that we are a less than three weeks away from graduating our youngest child...and our last homeschool student? How have we managed to finish this chapter so fast? Was it fast? Or is my perspective just skewed by living nearly 55 years of life? I don't remember the years flying by when I was a teenager. In fact, most of the time, they seemed to drag by with all of us anticipating the next phase with the common impatience of youth.

Stuart asked me the other day: "What's next for you?"

It was a hard question to answer...and one that was met with a lot of emotions.

What IS next? 

It's not something I really considered. I've been a stay-at-home mom for so long now, I don't really know how to redefine myself yet.

I guess I wish the wasn't "the end" of our homeschool journey, not because I want to hold back our son...but because I have so much more I want to learn with him.

The days are long, but not long enough, and the years are most certainly too short.

Sigh.

Saturday Sweethearts

A week from today, these two smiling cherubs will be graduating from college. Both will hold bachelor's degrees and both will be looking for jobs in their respective fields, essentially signaling to the world that they are indeed adults, they've made it, done it.

My job as their "mommy" is finished. I'll never stop being their mom, of course, but we are equals now, learnéd adults with professional degrees and, for them, new places to call home. In my mind and heart, they are still the little smiling faces in some of these photos. I never want them to go back to that because I'm madly in love with who they've become and who they're going to continue growing to be. But I sometimes wish for a few more moments with them at those stages, just to soak in their giggles and silliness and sweetness and love.

There are a thousand things I wish I could have done with them and for them. A million things I wish I could have taught them. A bazillion times I wish I'd listened better. Still in all, they're awesome human beings. And I praise God (not for the first time!) for allowing me to be their mother. 

 

Goodbye, Old Friend

Written soon after he died nearly five years ago...shared now because we miss him...

And with a final wag, we bid goodbye to our precious Buster Brown, our first family pooch of nearly 16 years.

I am reminded of the story told through Marley and Me. The author, being a journalist, chronicled his dog's life through a column he wrote for the newspaper.

A dog's life.

Many live fewer years than our sweet dog. We were blessed. We know that and accept that gift with a huge amount of gratitude.

Often, after the loss of a pet, my husband expresses his sadness by saying he doesn't want any more pets...he wished he didn't have to feel such pain. But I always counter him with the fact that if we didn't have the pet we wouldn't have had the joy they brought.

Yes, it's hard. VERY hard. Sometimes it feels as if our hearts might break. But it's also beautiful.

A sweet friend reminded me that Buster lived "a long, loved life."

And he did. Always smiling. Always happy. Always grateful. (He wouldn't start eating without us patting him and saying, "You're welcome!")

I like to remember him that way.

Loved for a long time.

Saturday Sweethearts

Ethan with Jazzy and Jujubee (2019)

Hold my paw.

I don’t know if I can.

Why not?

I don’t feel brave enough.

 

You’re braver than you think.

 

I wish you didn’t have to go.

 

I need to go. I have bigger places – and God – to see.

 

I wish I’d done more for you.

 

You did your best.

 

But it wasn’t enough. I hope you haven’t suffered.

 

Hold my paw...

 

I hope you know I love you.

 

I’ve never doubted that.

 

I won’t ever forget you.

 

Memories fade…but we’ll see one another again. Me and all the others. And won’t that be glorious? Oh, so glorious...

....

 

Hop far, sweet bunny. And always remember I loved you. 

Rest peacefully, precious Jezzy. Kiss Jujubee for us.

 

….

 

The night is long…but the days are, oh, so short.

 

….

 

 

The Bunny Bug

This is precious little Molly, my Himalayan Netherland Dwarf, who turns 6 years old on 7/13.

So 40 years ago, in June 1982, I got my first-ever rabbit — another sweet Himalayan Netherland Dwarf doe that I named Mittens, a.k.a. Mitsy-Bitsy. She was my world, my BFF, my confidante. 

I told her secrets of sadnesses and joys. I shared food with her and dressed her in hats and sweaters and took her for bike rides in my bicycle basket. When we went for walks, she rode around in the hood of my sweatshirts. 

She, in turn, gave me kisses, licked away my tears, and cuddled up close when I needed a hug. She gave me a litter of kits on Easter. She was the perfect first bunny for a girl who had desperately wanted her own pet. 

The “bunny-bug” had bitten me, and the rest is — as they say — history. 

Remembering...

Sometimes, when you think too much time has passed, you head back to something or someone familiar, and it all clicks back into place...at least for that moment. Like friends who haven't seen each other for decades and come back together like no time has passed, as if they both went home at the end of a day and returned in the morning. "As I was saying..." one might say, without missing a beat.

Sometimes.

Life has a strange way of taking us on twists and turns, uphill and downhill, back and forth. Memories flood our brains, holding us back or pushing us forward. 

We're all a product of those memories, our past times and events and happenings -- good and bad. How do we reckon with them? How do we not allow them to drag us down or pull us under?

It's a difficult process. Certainly doable. 

Children are mirrors of those memories. They go through ages and phases that we can somewhat remember, that become very clear when we watch our offspring go through them. Of course, their experiences are different. But the fuzzy recollection of our own experiences comes back into focus...at least for that moment.

And we remember. And the memories, like old friends, take us on journeys back to times that feel forgotten yet are still in the foreground. 

"As I was saying..." the memory says, without missing a beat.

Thoughts on Mother's Day

My kids are always asking me if I loved them more when they were little.

I love looking at their photos and talking about how sweet they were and sharing memories of funny or poignant moments with them.

I remember first teeth and them learning to walk and the way they marveled at just about anything new and exciting. They loved being outside and had a cute way of pronouncing things. I loved watching them learn to read and write and draw. I loved making things with them and celebrating countless birthdays, half-birthdays, and holidays with them. Easter eggs and Christmas visits to New York to see the Macy's Santa with the deli breath. "Picnics in the Park" on the Eve of Christmas Eve. Early morning trips to Chincoteague in the summer and the fall and the beginning of a brand new year. Singing children's songs and then '80s songs at the tops of our lungs. Knowing all the words to the Veggie Tales, especially the end theme song from QWERTY.

Career goals: Fashion designer, hotel designer/owner, architect, marine biologist, inventor.

I remember how earnest they were about certain things and how they tried very hard to understand a complex grown-up world with the simple mind of a child. How they tried to share their thoughts on politics or movie stars or books they read.

It's as though now they see that child as someone else instead of a younger and smaller version of themselves.

How could I love that child any more than I love the grown (or growing) version I see at present?

Perhaps the past really is a foreign country...and those little people in the photos and memories are merely the residents, long gone as the years progress.

No, dear children, I couldn't possibly love that little-person version of you more than I love you now...for you are that little person now a bit bigger. And I love that bigger person even more today than I did yesterday.

If I Take the Time

A memory:

When Ethan was five years old, he gave me a crumpled napkin that I assumed he wanted me to throw away.

I laughed and told him to throw it out.

He insisted that I open it that it was "a gift," he said.

I did and saw this inside.

"It's my love!" he said with a big smile.

And afterwards I realized that I nearly missed it in my haste to toss out what I thought was trash.

Sometimes we need to slowdown and enjoy these precious moments.

At Home in the City

My brain is ruminating...and so I must ramble a bit...

...

I have always enjoyed exploring the world.

I grew up moving around to different towns in different states, so my family spent a lot of time getting to know new places.

Because of that, being a tourist is easy in one of my favorite cities.

There are the usual places to see -- the Empire State Building, the Rockefeller Center, the Statue of Liberty, the Subway, the World Trade Center.

But my favorite way to see and feel and know the city is to find a coffee shop early in the morning, sit at a table in the window, and watch the world go by. It may seem a strange way to "sightsee," and yet it gives me a chance to see the heart of the city, what makes it truly beat: a mom walking her children to school; a businessman scurrying by, coffee in one hand, a briefcase in the other; teenage girls engrossed in their music and texts, laughing together as they walk to their classes; an older couple stumbling along hand-in-hand; a gaggle of schoolchildren scattering behind two harried teachers on their way to a museum; and more.

And if I sit long enough, I'll see the process repeated in reverse, each person on his or her way home, thinking about the happenings and memories of the day, each a protagonist in his or her own story.

Monday Musings

Well, it's been awhile, huh?

I know. I know. I promised I would try to do better...but, in fact, I feel like I've done worse.

It's been a busy decade or so. Changing from a mommy of two to a mom of three threw me completely out of whack. There's so much more to do and say and buy...and wash. Some weeks I just give up and sit around eating bon bons while watching soap operas...

Ha! If only.

So where have I been? Here...there...everywhere...but mostly just home -- or at least nearby. Working, momming, driving, wifeing...

My little kids turned into the "big kids." (Who knew that would happen??) They're both in college now...in the midst of finals week and preparations for next steps.

My little baby -- who is anything but little...and a baby -- is now 10 going on 75. (No, seriously. Some days I feel like he's aging quicker than I am.) He's in 6th grade this year...and very nearly finished.

I just cannot believe we're at this point in the year.

I'll probably do some kind of recaps, trying to summarize what's been happening in the past millennium gadzillion too many 10 years or so. But I'll also continue to post about new stuff about what's happening now. Because there's lots of good stuff coming up this month, especially. [Hums "Pomp and Circumstance." and "God Save the Queen" to herself.] And life doesn’t ever stop long enough for me to catch up.

We've said happy hellos to lots of new friends...and sad goodbyes to too many old friends. We’ve moved from phase to phase, trying to adapt along the way. There’s no parental instruction book. Well, not one written specifically for your kid or mine...or anyone else’s, for that matter.

2019.

Nearly halfway through it. Nearly another new decade.

Musing merrily on a Monday. It's what I used to do...every week...it's what I want to do again.

So for now, I'll keep this short and (hopefully?) sweet.

*wink-grin*

Until the next time!

New Year, Old Reflections -- 2017

My favorite thing to buy at the beginning of each year was the Life magazine "Year in Pictures." My parents had a few from over the years, and I loved looking through them at the moments in time that were captured through the photojournalist's lens.

Here's to looking back at 2017 through our pictures. So many photos (whittled down from 1,000s to a mere 400 or so)...and so many smiles -- many, many more than the last few years.

God is good to us! He has carried us through quite a lot in the past few years, especially. And being able to recap the year through photos is always a joy. Seeing memories forgotten already...truly priceless.

In an age of constantly changing technology, what are your favorite ways to keep memories alive year to year?

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Should old acquaintance be forgot,

and never brought to mind?

Should old acquaintance be forgot,

and old lang syne?

CHORUS:

For auld lang syne, my dear,

for auld lang syne,

we'll take a cup of kindness yet,

for auld lang syne.

And surely you'll buy your pint cup!

and surely I'll buy mine!

And we'll take a cup o' kindness yet,

for auld lang syne.

CHORUS

We two have run about the slopes,

and picked the daisies fine;

But we've wandered many a weary foot,

since auld lang syne.

CHORUS

We two have paddled in the stream,

from morning sun till dine^†;

But seas between us broad have roared

since auld lang syne.

CHORUS

And there's a hand my trusty friend!

And give me a hand o' thine!

And we'll take a right good-will draught,

for auld lang syne.

CHORUS

Just Breathe...

Okay, in an effort to breathe new life -- or maybe just some life -- back into my lovable blog, I began to think again about posts. That's what it's all about: Thinking about blogging...and thinking in blog posts.

Seems odd, right?

Early on, when I was blogging nearly daily, the trend had not really caught on with anybody, except us "cool kids."

But then Twitter happened. And blogging seemed to be a lot more work because why write an entire post about something when you can summarize it in 140 characters. And once you start thinking in 140-character bursts, well, you basically rewire your brain.

Am I right?

Not necessarily.

I enjoyed Twitter for about a minute or two. (It was an odd world. Odder now than then.)

Then Facebook happened. I resisted at first. It seemed another odd and silly place. But, as anyone who has ever watched even one episode of Star Trek knows, resistance is futile.

Facebook is the killer of blogdom. I'm convinced of that. It should be a helpful aid or another platform whereby you can share your blog...

But it's not.

It's easy.

It's addictive.

And so my brain began to think in longer-than-140-characters moments, but still shorter-than-actual-blogpost moments.

Yet, I've stumbled on and tried to continue my blog. I love doing it. It's such a great way to keep myself writing daily (or thereabouts) and an even better way to clear some of the "clutter" in my noggin.

So, today, this very morning, my brain thought up a post. I thought again in a blog post. And I was exhilarated and decided to sit down immediately and write it out. But I had to write this explanation first, which may have taken my brainpower and time briefly.

Sigh.

Still in all, here I am breathing some new life into my old friend.

Happy New Year!!

Happiest of Happy New Years! We are SO glad that it's 2017!

To say that 2016 was not our family's favorite-most year does not adequately cover it. But to say that God carried us and strengthened us and kept us going through it is an absolute blessing and truth!

Between Emily's extended illness and emergency appendectomy and my breast cancer and Stuart starting back to college and still traveling...and the boys being hungry ALL the time...and medical bills that are drowning us...

But through it all, God was there...and still is. We know that He who controls the universe hasn't forgotten us.

A recap in photos of 2016...and see? We were even smiling.



2016: Year in Pictures

A Decadent Decade

Has it really been 10 years since I posted my first blog post on here?

10. Whole. Years. ???

Wow!

That's so amazing. When I started, I thought that blogging was more of a vanity thing. Like journaling for the world to see. Then I realized it was a good way to keep track of stuff -- happenings, memories, accomplishments, milestones.

And, while I haven't been able to stay completely faithful in writing on here, I have enjoyed it. It's fun to muse and remember and ruminate on the stuff bouncing around my head.

And it's even more fun to go back and reread the happenings of the past 10 years, memories I might have forgotten without this little blog-thing.

So here's to -- hopefully -- 10 more years?

Thanks for reading!

Seventeen Years of Emily -- Part 2

It's the night before our oldest child's 18th birthday...and she's not home. It's the first time in her whole life that she won't wake up in her own bed for her special day.

To be honest, it's a little odd...and a little sad.

But sad doesn't mean it's not right. She's in college, after all.

Part of living at college is being away from home, even during those special moments you've always celebrated at home.

I remember the first birthday I woke up in a different place... I was also a freshman at college, though I'd taken two years off to live in England with my parents. I turned 20.

I felt it was probably one of the most depressing parts of "growing up." Being alone on your birthday? Well, alone in a dorm is a little different than actually being alone. Although, I felt I might as well be alone to start with...no one really recognized that it was my birthday. Of course, I had my 21st birthday and my 22nd birthday...and my 23rd birthday at college, too. But by then I was more used to it...and had a few friends to celebrate it with.

I celebrated my 24th birthday in Honesdale, Pa., during my employment with Highlights for Children. Actually, that year is a bit of a blur since Stuart had a horrible accident that month and ended up in the hospital for nearly three weeks, and I had to go represent HFC's book side, Boyds Mills Press, at library book conferences in Harrisburg, Williamsburg, and Syracuse.

By my 25th birthday, I worked for the Reading Eagle and had to take off for my birthday. It was a company rule. You had to take a personal day for your birthday and one for your work anniversary, unless you were married and then it was your wedding anniversary.

That was the year "Birthday Adventures" were born. It wasn't elaborate or even very memorable, but I remember doing something different that year, like taking a bubble bath and getting a bunch of library books...and just relaxing.

I know that Emily will be a little bit sad to be away from home on her actual birthday. We'll head over to steal her away from campus later in the day after her classes. But she's growing up and spreading her wings and experiencing life in a whole new way.

And it may not necessary feel good...but it's right.

Sleep well, sweet girl. We are dreaming of you always.

Seventeen Years of Emily -- Part 1

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Shadow Knows

Happy Groundhog Day!

Well, I'm not sure it is happy...if you consider the fact that our ol' friend Punxsutawny Phil saw his shadow...again. Six more weeks of Winter. Boo! Not that it actually means anything. Phil isn't an actual meteorologist of any kind. He's a groundhog.

And last year? When he didn't see his shadow? And we were supposed to get an early Spring? Yeah. Totally botched that one up, huh, Phil?  *wink-grin*

Still, he is rather cute, isn't he?

We had a bit of mammal day confusion in our house today. Being somewhat colder than usual and with snow in the forecast, I overheard Ethan (6) say, "If only that beaver didn't see his shadow..."

Love the funny things that pop out of kids' mouths.

Here were several adorable cupcake ideas. There are SO many of them out there. If I were less busy more inspired, we would have made some of these:

Do you have any Groundhog Day traditions?

Friday Funnies

This was us yesterday.... 

But we're officially finished with the Fall semester! Yay!! Phew! Wow! Boo-hoo!! Lots of emotions today.

It's the end of the first semester of Edward's high school years...and the end of the last Fall semester for Emily's high school years. 

Lots of emotions today......

Sweet Sunday

I found my old iPod Touch the other day. It was such a gift. From the photos it held to all the music and books, I'd forgotten how much I loved it before I got my iPhone.

Here's a gem from my "Worship Songs" playlist:


I love knowing that God is FOR and WITH us!! How about you?

Saturday Sweetheart

Today, our daughter had an interview for a fairly sizable scholarship for a university she's interested in going to. (I say "fairly sizable," but it was in fact for more money than our house cost when we bought it.) She was incredibly nervous beforehand...and VERY relieved when it was all said and done. She won't hear if she got it until mid-February.

But the amount of the scholarship dims in comparison to the amount of excitement and pride we felt for this girl today. It was amazing to watch her walk away with the scholarship interview staff, looking all collegiate, and think about how fast it's all going...and how she's looking at which colleges she might like to attend next Fall....and how is that even possible? Wasn't I just in college? Wasn't she just born?

"How can we be at this point?" I asked my hubby.

However, we are at this point. And it's all exciting and sweet and daunting and joyous and amazing and scary rolled into one.