Thanksgiving Thoughts

It has long been thought that we shouldn’t have just one day for being thankful. And, indeed, in reality we do not. We are thankful all year long in lots of ways. 

For me, this year’s holiday brings with it some grieving along with thanksgiving. I remember that this is the first Thanksgiving without my Uncle Bob and my friends, Norma and Kelly. I think of my Aunt Barbi and cousin Marshall and Norma’s brother and his family and Kelly’s husband and children. I can’t imagine how empty that chair once occupied by those loved ones will feel this year.

 

And this year will be our first without two of our kids joining us as they each celebrate with their significant other’s family. It’s absolutely right and good that they get to do that (I never had to do that because of Stuart’s family all being in England), but it still feels hard and heavy for me to handle. I know it will get easier as the years progress, but I’m still struggling at having a mostly empty nest.

 

Sometimes the grief hits me in waves of tears as I look at the photos of them when they were younger or watch videos of other people with their “littles.” Sometimes it’s just a numbness, making me go through the motions of existing. I remember reading about “empty nest syndrome” when I was a younger mom and thinking of how nice it would be to have some breathing room…

 

Breathing room. Ha. What I would give now for one more crushing pile-up hug from all of them. 

 

The very essence of motherhood is raising kids to let them go. It’s right and good and as it should be. Right after that final push of releasing them from my womb, we had but 18 years to love and raise them in the safety net of our family unit. I knew from the start it would be hard – both along the way and when it was time to let them go – I guess I didn’t realize just how hard it would be.

 

The problem for me, and many moms like me, is that I ended up building my life around my kids and their activities. They learned at home. We went on errands and adventures together. I did their laundry and bought their favorite foods and drinks. Sure, it got harder to keep up with all of it once they got older and scattered around the area. But it gave me a purpose, which I still very much have with our 16-year-old, but it’s just shrunken down to fit one kid now, instead of three. And when you’ve been stretched to keep up with three there’s a lot of extra room for rattling around with just one. And the dynamic changes.

 

All of this is not to say that I regret any of it. As I tell my kids now, I love them more than I ever loved them as little people because I’ve loved them longer now. I love them for who they were but also for who they are at this very moment.

 

In reflecting on the holiday and being without them, I can thank God for all the holidays we had together with them. I can thank God that they can celebrate as adults with more people who love them, that they can cook in their own homes and share good food together with more than just us. 

 

That is good and right and as it should be.

 

Happy Thanksgiving!

Take Time

Take Your Time...

When the world around you rushes,
pushes,
prods.

Take your time...

to grow up
to make friends
to find joy
to find love
to live life.

Saturday Sweethearts

A week from today, these two smiling cherubs will be graduating from college. Both will hold bachelor's degrees and both will be looking for jobs in their respective fields, essentially signaling to the world that they are indeed adults, they've made it, done it.

My job as their "mommy" is finished. I'll never stop being their mom, of course, but we are equals now, learnéd adults with professional degrees and, for them, new places to call home. In my mind and heart, they are still the little smiling faces in some of these photos. I never want them to go back to that because I'm madly in love with who they've become and who they're going to continue growing to be. But I sometimes wish for a few more moments with them at those stages, just to soak in their giggles and silliness and sweetness and love.

There are a thousand things I wish I could have done with them and for them. A million things I wish I could have taught them. A bazillion times I wish I'd listened better. Still in all, they're awesome human beings. And I praise God (not for the first time!) for allowing me to be their mother.